In a bold move, city officials of Great Falls, Montana have announced an ambitious plan to bring even more casinos into town. This groundbreaking initiative, dubbed “Operation Jackpot Overload,” aims to transform the city into a glittering oasis of obnoxious, soul crushing video machines jammed into every city square foot possible, rivaling the likes of Las Vegas and Atlantic City – if those famous destinations were also as depressing and offered none of their famous amenities.
“We’ve always prided ourselves on thinking outside the box,” a spokesman declared, flanked by an array of cigarette disposal stands, half empty Busch Light drafts, and slouched over seniors. “And what better way to ensure the economic prosperity of Great Falls than by adding more casinos? We believe this will attract tourists from all over the world who are eager to experience our unique brand of mindless and financially destructive gambling.”
When asked by a local reporter about the potential downsides, such as increased gambling addiction and the possible erosion of the town’s charming character, the spokesman responded with a hearty laugh. “Charming character?! What the fuck are you talking about? Look around, Dan. I think it’s high time we just acknowledged that the ship has sailed.” When pressed about whether this plan would really attract international tourists, the spokesman snapped back, “Ever heard of Canada!? Those idiots will politely buy anything. Jesus, Dan, give it a rest.”
The city’s ambitious plan involves converting several underutilized spaces into video machine casinos. “We have a giant mall just sitting there being used as an indoor track for a dozen elderly people. Our friends in the gaming industry assure us that we can shoehorn thousands of machines into that sucker. With ample parking and easy freight delivery access for luke-warm beer, we can transform our mall into something we can all be proud of,” continued the spokesman. “We want to make sure that machine gaming opportunities are accessible to all our residents, regardless of their age, occupation or sole dependence on a fixed income. That’s why we’re also planning to install slot machines in local grocery stores, addiction treatment centers, day cares, churches, laundromats, and even at the bus stops. We want to ensure that everyone can enjoy the thrill of pressing fun buttons to lose the entirety of their social security check wherever their day takes them. I literally saw some people waiting at a bus stop to get to their casino jobs on my way over here and they weren’t doing shit – when they should have been contributing to the economic success of a handful of wealthy casino owners, just like Lewis & Clark originally intended.”
The response from the local community has been overwhelmingly positive. “I think it’s a fantastic idea,” said a local casino owner. “It’s what this town needs. With the increase in revenue, I will be able to stimulate the overall economy by adding nursing booths and diaper changing stations to my casinos – briefly increasing construction activity in Great Falls.”
A local liquor distributor couldn’t agree more. “Casinos are the perfect delivery system for our product. We employ hundreds of people, and they will all need to work harder to jam as many watered-down domestics into seniors as possible. That extra work will give our employees a sense of profound depression and ultimately this probably will lead to more casinos. It’s an endless loop of prosperity… for me.”
Some residents are more skeptical about the plan’s feasability. “I don’t know, it seems like they are being pretty short-sighted about this whole casino thing. If we as a community really want to get serious about draining savings, enabling addiction, and destroying families, we gotta think bigger,” said a concerned store owner in Downtown Great Falls. “I say we work closely with the cartels and really double down on fentanyl. As a small business owner, I know that businesses with heavy fixed asset requirements like casinos require a ton of capital. The bang for our buck is really in substances.”
Although there are some criticisms of the plan, City officials are optimistic about the future and have already begun eyeing other potential casino locations, including the public library. “If you wanted your damn library levy so much, at least show some profitability while you subsidize public masturbation,” the spokesman said in a fashion that could only be described as “not convincingly joking.”
So, brace yourselves, Great Falls. The city’s future is looking bright—and very, very sad. With casinos popping up on every corner, it’s safe to say that the real win is living in this ambitious, forward-thinking town. Proclaimed the spokesman, “our residents have already hit the jackpot by living here, the rest is just gravy and kidney failure.”
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