Bozeman, MT – May 26, 2024
Local man Mark Thompson has found himself ostracized from his community for an unthinkable transgression: he has no preference in the storied Cat/Griz rivalry. Thompson, a lifelong Montana resident, committed the grievous error of admitting his neutrality during a casual conversation at work. “I don’t really have a preference between the Bobcats and the Grizzlies,” he reportedly said, much to the horror of his colleagues at ZZZ Accounting Services. “Seriously, I could give a fuck. It’s a football game, people need to calm the fuck down.”
But calm the fuck down they did not. “I thought he was joking at first,” said co-worker Nancy Miller. “But when I realized he was serious, I just couldn’t look at him the same way. It’s like finding out your neighbor is a pedophile or a liberal, it’s gross and wrong. I mean we use the same bathroom. He knows my kids names! I’ve filed multiple complaints with HR and they keep telling me that Mark is some kind of protected class and that we need to accommodate his special needs. Screw that.” While HR tries to sort out this precarious situation, Mr. Thompson has been moved to the basement of the office where he can’t directly interact with other employees.
His troubles didn’t end at the office. Thompson’s extended family, staunch Griz fans, disinvited him from the annual Fourth of July barbecue. His father, visibly shaken, stated, “I raised Mark to be a man of conviction. How can he not have a stance on this? It’s as if he’s turned his back on everything we believe in. A man who stands for nothing will fall for anything.” Even Thompson’s daughter, now traumatized and heavily medicated, struggles with constant tormenting at school. “It’s awful, the other kids are so mean. They don’t understand the pain my family has endured. All we can hope is dad finds the help he needs.”
Thompson’s friends were equally unforgiving. “We used to hang out every weekend, golf, have some beers,” lamented best friend Steve Collins. “Now, I don’t even know who he is anymore. I’ll be god damned if I play one hole, let alone 18, with a sick pervert like that.” Thompson has been removed from his softball team and the local Rotary club has rescinded his membership and formally stated that he can no longer casually claim to have cured polio internationally.
Even Thompson’s church, which he has attended for over 20 years, has shunned him. Pastor John Peterson delivered a fiery sermon on the dangers of apathy, clearly aimed at Thompson. “Lukewarmness is a sin,” thundered Peterson. “You must choose a side, lest you be spit out by Saint Peter like bad coffee!” When asked for comment, Pastor Peterson said simply, “I’m sad to say this, but there are people that Jesus does NOT love. Maybe Mark and Hitler can have a good time in hell watching a good SEC game together instead of the Brawl of the Wild someday, because there’s zero chance he’s getting in upstairs.”
Despite the social exile, Thompson remains steadfast in his neutrality. “I just enjoy watching a good game,” he explained, bewildered by the backlash. “Is it so wrong to appreciate both teams? I mean what the fuck, somebody keyed ‘fuck you apathist’ into my car last night.”
Thompson’s plight has garnered national attention, with some outsiders expressing sympathy for his predicament. However, within Montana, opinions remain firmly divided along Cat/Griz lines, and Thompson’s future in his hometown looks uncertain. For now, he finds solace in his one remaining ally: his dog, who dutifully pretends to the entire debacle. “At least Baxter doesn’t care,” said Thompson with a sigh as Baxter got up slowly shaking his head and moved to another room in disgust.
You or a loved one can be diagnosed with Cat/Griz Apathy Syndrome any time, please know the warning signs which can be subtle and if left untreated, the disease can become irreversible. Call the “Care Line” at 1-878-CAT-GRIZ if you know someone that may be suffering from this terrible illness.