This is satire, relax and enjoy.
In a move that has left many political pundits scratching their heads, the GOP led the blocking of the first Native American federal judge for Montana, a decision that has caused quite the stir. According to an exclusive new report using information leaked from internal GOP sources, legislative staffers might have mistaken Danna Jackson for a different type of minority than Native American. The think tank, Speculative Insights for Political Strategy (SIPS), has released a report suggesting that the GOP’s initial reaction was driven by a misinterpretation. “We believe there was a fundamental mix-up,” said SIPS analyst Bruce Jones. “Based on cursory information, busy staffers apparently thought Jackson belonged to a different minority group, one that doesn’t represent 6.5% of Montana voters.”
This minor misunderstanding has resulted in what could be described as a classic political facepalm. “We’re kicking ourselves now,” confessed an anonymous GOP strategist. “Here we are, going through our typical checklist. You know, standard stuff, making sure our judges our white males, resisting any nominees based on superficial, archaic, stereotypes. Who would have thunk that somebody named Jackson would be Native American? It’s an honest mistake. We really were just trying to discriminate against other minority groups, I hope everyone can understand and appreciate that.”
In Montana, where Native Americans make up a significant portion of the population – and approximately 6.5% of voters, this blunder is proving to be a major PR nightmare. The GOP, which typically prides itself on being in touch with the average Montanan, has found itself scrambling to repair relationships and, quite frankly, their Google search history. “Here we are, thinking we are just sticking to what everyone expects out of us – Female named Jackson nominated by Biden? Easy, that’s a no go,” said the strategist. “But now we found out the reality of it and it sucks because the Senate race is so tight. We need some of those Native American votes.”
The fallout from this revelation has been swift and severe. A hastily convened GOP meeting reportedly featured frantic discussions about how to undo the damage. “We need to find some common ground, fast,” said party spokesperson “The right move is to make it very clear to tribal leaders that our overt discrimination was not intended to be against Native Americans, so it is completely harmless to the indigenous community. Our racism is usually spot on, but this time we missed. I think reasonable people can agree that sometimes when we get super busy, mistakes get made. I think if we make a big show of discriminating against some other, much less represented, minorities in Montana, it’ll go a long way to show our sincerity.”
Meanwhile, Native American leaders have expressed a mixture of amusement and exasperation. “It’s almost funny at this point,” said a Montana tribal leader. “Almost. We’ve been here for thousands of years, but it seems like they just noticed us because of how many votes we represent. And now I’m hearing that the excuse is that the discrimination was supposed to be against another group? What the hell!? That makes it better?! Disgraceful.”
On a recent podcase, Montana GOP pundit, Jim Bailson was quick to defend the blocked nomination. “Look, based on what we know, even the fact that she was a female nominee should have knocked her out of contention, so the rest of this is just gotcha, fake news, bullshit from the Soros-controlled lame stream media. Crooked Joe Biden and his cult of pedophiles strike again. Election interference!”
Regardless of how it is spun, these new revelations could not come at a worse time for the GOP as the election cycle heats up in Montana. A GOP insider insisted that this could all be swept under the rug and chalked up to inexperienced staff. “Hey, this is just a low-level staffer that didn’t have the proper training. We emphasis in our employee onboarding over and over again, minorities don’t always have the names you think they should. You have to dig deep. One time back in ’92 as a young staffer, I missed a Hispanic nominee named Johnson, and I’ll never forget what that felt like. That judge went on to make nothing but just, professional rulings and it tears me apart. I’ll make this pledge: We’ll make our discrimination great again, this much I can assure you.”
