Dear Eric: My only son is expecting his first child in early July. I have been recently told by my son that his wife does not want anyone at the hospital, except for my son.
I am devastated. My parents, sister and husband are all gone. It was family time in the hospital when my son was born. I cannot comprehend the fact my daughter-in-law will not allow me to be part of this joyful time.
To be clear, I have no desire to participate in the birth process, only to be able to hold my first grandchild during their stay at the hospital before they go home, and the chaos begins. Any suggestions? — Heartbroken Hospital Visitor
Dear Visitor: This special moment, with its firsts and its unknowns, is naturally stirring up a lot of emotions. It sounds like some of those happy and nervous emotions are bringing up grief, which is also natural.
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Try not to put all of your emotional expectations on this hospital visit. Your daughter-in-law is not specifically excluding you. Notably, her parents are also not on the invite list. This is how your son and daughter-in-law have chosen to navigate this transition, which is also exciting and nerve-wracking for them.
Focus on the parts of this new life stage that feel hopeful. Perhaps you and your daughter’s parents can lend a hand to get the house ready for the return. Perhaps you’ll be a welcome antidote to the coming chaos. You will have so many chances to hold your new grandchild. If you can gently release this aspect of your plan, I think you’ll find relief, and beyond that — joyful excitement.
Dear Eric: I met someone in real life, and I asked — via Messenger — if she would like to hang out. The icons on Messenger say she has not seen the message. Although that may mean she saw the preview of the message as a push notification but didn’t read the whole thing.
I share a community with this person, and we are in a large chat group in another messaging app, so I could get in touch with her through that app.
If I contacted her, I might say that I had sent a message through Messenger, and she didn’t appear to have seen it, and if she hasn’t seen it, she might want to look, and if she has seen it, then I’m sorry for this superfluous second message, which she can ignore. Or maybe that’s pushing too much?
Regardless of how this resolves, this person and I are likely to be in the same space as each other a few times per month going forward. And I would like to be friends, or — if that possibility has been squandered — not make things untenably awkward or unpleasant for either of us. — Messenger Missive Messiness
Dear Messenger: It seems like there are more unspoken rules around social media-based relationships than there are around face-to-face ones. The anxiety produced can be enough to make one long for a less advanced time. Give me the pastoral life of a letter-writing Jane Austen heroine, waiting weeks for news.
It’s good to have healthy boundaries with friends, but you don’t have to be as concerned about making a misstep with this particular person. Don’t worry about squandered possibilities. Friendships are built on many different points of connection accumulated over time.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com.
