Q: I live in a close-knit community where I regularly babysit for several kids. They love coming to my house, and I love having them here. The problem: One of the kids, a 9-year-old girl, is having a hard time socializing with the others. I have helped her get acclimated with the group — but I can only do so much. She has a few friends who are much younger than she is. The older kids often exclude her, and when she retaliates, they, in turn, push her aside even more. She lacks the skills to know how to express her displeasure. I care very much for these kids, and I want to see everyone work through this. Any advice?
A: This dynamic, or ones like it, is so common. And so it goes — but what do we do?
As someone who has worked with small and large groups of kids with great success for the past quarter century, I can tell you that all kids getting along perfectly is not natural or healthy, and it shouldn’t be the goal of any group social interaction.
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These kids are going through the natural and sometimes painful process of moving away from parents being the sole teachers of how to be a proper human in the world to peers starting to take on that burden, as well.
Sometimes kids may get so much negative feedback from a peer group that it leads to kids seeking out a more appropriate peer group. This appears to have already happened by this 9-year-old seeking out the 6-year-olds. This is natural and healthy! This kid is simply not ready to hang out with kids her age. There’s nothing wrong with that, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” with this kid. Her development is just not like that of the other 9-year-olds. Not yet, anyway.
While we shouldn’t strive to impede this healthy dynamic, an adult in these situations should act as the friendly, loving alpha who makes sure that, while kids can give one another negative feedback, even by showing frustration, they should not do so in a way that goes against your value structure. While your value structure is none of my business, here’s how I would handle this dynamic. Let’s call the kid in question Kid No. 1.
Kid No. 1: Give me that toy! Give it now! I am an only child, so I think all things are mine all the time! Therefore, I’m wondering why you have something I want! Gimme!
Kid No. 2 (holding it so Kid No. 1 can’t get it): No! I said no! You are always doing stuff like this! Get away! This is why we don’t like playing with you!
Kid No. 1 (now in a rage and looking like she might become violent): Nooo! I want …
Kid Whisperer: Oh, dear. You will now be walking with me to go to the other room until you can be calm and pleasant. Feel free to stay in my home as long as you can be calm and pleasant and do what I tell you to do. Once you are calm and pleasant, you can play with Kid No. 3 and Kid No. 4 in the other room. Playing with the big kids is over for today.
The other room can be a space with no kids, where Kid No. 1 can be away from everyone where she can regulate herself. When Kid No. 1 returns, Kid Whisperer will make sure to be near Kid No. 1 so Kid Whisperer can intervene, to guide behavior and to make sure all kids are safe.
This allows kids to teach one another how to be a person in the world while you are still keeping your neighborhood kids safe and preserving this wonderful environment that these kids love.
Behavioral consultant Scott Ervin is a parent and former teacher and principal. More information can be found at www.behavioralleadership.com.
