Q: I reside in a close-knit community where I often babysit for a group of children. The kids enjoy coming to my place, and I enjoy having them here. However, there is an issue: One of the kids, a 9-year-old girl, is struggling to connect with the others. I have tried to help her integrate into the group, but my efforts can only go so far. She tends to hang out with younger kids because the older ones exclude her, and when she tries to retaliate, they further isolate her. She lacks the skills to express her frustration. I care deeply about these children and want to see them all work through this. Any suggestions?
A: This situation, or similar ones, is quite common. So, what can be done?
Having worked successfully with groups of kids for the past 25 years, I can say that expecting all kids to get along perfectly is not realistic or healthy, and it shouldn’t be the objective of any social interaction within a group.
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These children are going through a natural and sometimes challenging process of transitioning from parents being their main teachers on how to behave in society to peers taking on that role as well.
At times, children may receive so much negative feedback from their peers that they seek a more suitable group of friends. It seems that the 9-year-old in question has already found this with the 6-year-olds. This is a natural and positive development! This child may simply not be ready to socialize with kids her age, and that’s okay. It doesn’t indicate any issue with her; it’s just a different stage of development compared to the other 9-year-olds, at least for now.
While we should not deter this healthy process, an adult in these situations should play the role of a positive leader who ensures that even though kids might give each other negative feedback and display frustration, they should do so in a manner consistent with your values. Here is how I would handle this scenario (let’s refer to the child as Kid No. 1).
Kid No. 1: Give me that toy! Give it now! I am an only child, so I believe everything should belong to me all the time! Why do you have something I want? Give it to me!
Kid No. 2 (holding the toy out of reach): No! I said no! You always act like this! Stay away! This is why we don’t want to play with you!
Kid No. 1 (getting angrier and appearing on the verge of violence): Nooo! I want …
Kid Whisperer: Oh dear. Let’s walk to the other room until you can calm down and be polite. You are welcome to stay as long as you can remain calm and follow my instructions. Once you are calm, you can play with Kid No. 3 and Kid No. 4 in the other room. Playing with the older kids will be postponed for today.
The other room can be a quiet space where Kid No. 1 can regulate her emotions away from the other children. When she returns, the Kid Whisperer will be there to monitor and guide her behavior to ensure the safety and well-being of all the kids.
This approach allows the children to learn from one another while also maintaining a safe and nurturing environment that they all enjoy.
Behavioral consultant Scott Ervin, a parent and former teacher and principal, offers more information at www.behavioralleadership.com.
