In an oddly timed press release on Monday that has left Montana residents scratching their heads, state officials announced the planned opening of the “Montana Museum of the Hunt” this summer. The museum aims to celebrate what officials call “the proud tradition of ethical hunting,” and will feature an eclectic collection of taxidermied animals and hunting practices that may surprise even the most seasoned hunter.
The museum’s pièce de rĂ©sistance? A lovingly stuffed paraplegic koala bear, posed mid-chew on a eucalyptus leaf. The koala, which is native to Australia and nowhere near Montana, is meant to symbolize the “global reach” of Montana’s hunters, according to state officials. “Just because an animal doesn’t live here doesn’t mean it can’t be ethically hunted and displayed here,” a state official explained, a statement met with thunderous applause from an audience consisting primarily of taxidermists, trap salesmen, and safari outfitters. “This museum is to celebrate the thrill of the hunt, man besting an animal in an ethical harvest. This is truly one of our proudest traditions as Montanans. That koala was taken by a senior Montana official after placing the koala in a large, slicked down oil drum and waving food and water over it for two weeks. This particular specimen’s legs didn’t work, so he couldn’t climb up to get nourishment and died a truly noble death of humiliated starvation.”
Joining the koala in the museum’s line-up is an endangered pygmy three-toed sloth, a species so rare that biologists previously believed only a handful remained in the wild. “We managed to find one that got caught in a plastic six pack holder and was just hanging there off a tree branch for like a week, so we shot it in its soulful face with a pellet gun until it died. Took forever, but we stuck with it. Now future generations of Montanans can gaze into its lifelike glass eyes and appreciate our conservation efforts,” the state official boasted.
The museum will also feature a tank of beta fish, each one carefully preserved in a suspended animation that only the most skilled Montana taxidermists could accomplish. “These beta fish represent the often-overlooked realm of aquatic trophy hunting,” the official declared, as attendees squinted to see the tiny, colorful fish through the glass. “Each one was harvested personally by a Montanan after an arduous fight. After they were landed, they were each beaten to death with a hammer coated in rock salt to maximize suffering and symbolize our dominance. We are proud to display these fierce aquatic monsters in their natural habitat, a small aquarium that we bought on Facebook marketplace.”
Critics have been quick to denounce the museum as a “grotesque mockery” of conservation efforts. “This is not what ethical hunting looks like,” said one spokesperson for an international wildlife organization. “Stuffing endangered animals and foreign species is about as ethical as having a piranha in a petting zoo.” A local outfitter disagreed, stating, “These libtards don’t understand the first thing about the ethical harvest of wild animals, you have to look at the bigger picture.” When pressed about what exactly that bigger picture was, the outfitter declined further comment. “I’m done talking to a jew reporter from New York about this.”
In response to the immediate backlash, state officials have doubled down on their vision. “This museum is about celebrating our heritage and showing the world that Montana hunters respect all animals, no matter where they come from,” he said, adding, “And by displaying these animals, we’re ensuring they’re not being hunted in the wild anymore. That’s a win for conservation when you really think about it, isn’t it?”
Local schools have already begun planning field trips to the museum, where children will have the opportunity to learn about the importance of ethical hunting. They’ll see exhibits like “The Art of the Humiliating Game,” which features a collection of hunters posing triumphantly with their cross-continental conquests, and “Teabagging Your Prey,” an interactive exhibit where visitors can attempt to teabag mechanical animals in their death throes.
“We are very excited about not only the exhibits we have already secured, but for the ones we are working on,” said the state official, moving his computer screen in view. “See, we got a lead from a Montanan that is currently on safari in Africa. Apparently, there is a blind, diabetic giraffe that is stuck in a drainage pipe. The picture isn’t great because it has some kind of palsy that is making his face look all screwed up – but we’ll fix that in taxidermy. The plan is that he is going to waterboard it with lion urine until it pleads for death. I’m definitely jealous of this proud hunter, what a thrilling hunt.”
As the grand opening approaches, the Montana Museum of the Hunt promises to be a landmark attraction, albeit one that might have people asking some serious questions about where we are going as a society. “Hey, lighten up,” proclaimed the state official while proudly holding up a museum branded beer coozie, “bring your kids, bring your mom, bring the whole damn family. Celebrate our proud Montana tradition in style by hitting the gift shop!”
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