Montana Governor Solves Property Tax Controversy with Surprise Disclosure

This is satire, relax!

Montana’s governor has seemingly managed to defuse the controversy surrounding his property taxes with an unexpected revelation at a press conference given by Montana Department of Revenue officials. In the front yard of one of the governor’s luxury estates, state officials disclosed that the homes in question were not being taxed at the full rate because they are, quite literally, made in part of undocumented immigrants and children without healthcare benefits. It seems that the use of “living walls” is a cutting-edge technique where live human bodies are repurposed for building materials in luxury homes. Apparently, they are kept alive “Matrix style” using feeding tubes and a medically induced sleep state. The people are fed a low-cost liquid nutrient mix made of prison cafeteria garbage, straw unfit for animal consumption, and ground-up Medicaid disenrollment paperwork. The heat that the bodies generate provides a rich, radiant warmth and larger, sturdier adults are utilized for load bearing elements.

“We’ve all heard about the jobs that undocumented workers do in this country,” a state official began, pausing dramatically for effect. “But in this case, we took things a step further.” According to the officials, the materials used in the construction of his sprawling properties include more than just bricks, mortar, and timber. “Inside of the walls of the home behind me are several hundred living, breathing human beings… well, they are people technically I suppose, by a biological definition – but keep in mind they are immigrants and Medicaid-rejected poor kids, so not really like a full person technically.” The official continued “It’s a hybrid approach to building that, incidentally, qualifies for a substantial tax rate decrease based on our interpretation of current Montana tax code. You see, these houses utilize more than 50% organic, living, materials and therefore do not meet the definition of a traditional structure per the code.”

The press corps sat in stunned silence, as officials continued to elaborate. “You see, there’s a little-known provision in the Montana tax code that when interpreted a certain way allows for deductions if your property has historical or, shall we say, “unique” architectural elements. What could be more unique than homes partially constructed from previously useless people? We can’t assess these homes using the same per foot values as a standard stick built home because a significant portion of materials are carbon based. Owning or otherwise placing a value on another human was unfortunately outlawed by constitutional amendment, so as a state we cannot legally assign a valuation to these building materials. I can see you looking at me sideways Steve, is there something you don’t understand about this?” the official gestured toward Helena political reporter Steve Majeronton. “Yeah, I guess…. I guess… this is just about the most horrific thing I have ever heard in my life,” replied Majeronton. “This isn’t a joke? These houses are made up of living people? I mean the legal and ethical implications of this are… they are… god dammit, this is disgusting. Why would you use kids?!”

“Oh yeah, I figured you media pussies would be all over the kid thing,” the state official scoffed. “Since none of you limp dick liberal types has ever built a home, you don’t realize that a lot of elements required are shorter, narrower, and irregular lengths. Kids are perfect for creating structures like staircases, vanities, or even support beams. You can glue a half dozen of these skinny little guys together into a glue-lam that has 5x the structural integrity of the same glue-lam built with standard wood. Plus, when was the last time a glue-lam also generated as much thermal energy as a 1000-watt microwave? I can see you still don’t get it. Don’t make me call him outside to body slam your asses with some truth.”

Montana’s tax officials have since been deluged with questions about the legitimacy of not just the interpretation of tax code, but the existence of such a macabre building method in the first place. “It’s not illegal, which is crazy but true,” said a local tax attorney. “There is no precedent for it, so it’s so far outside of normal societal behavior that basically I’m not sure how to legally challenge it. The guy really is a business mastermind. He’s beaten the liberals at their own game by solving the Montana housing crisis at the same time as lowering his tax bill. He’s technically housed thousands of lower income people in luxury houses across the state and we can’t wake them up to figure out if they agreed to it. They just lay in there smiling from whatever drug cocktail is being pumped into them.”

The governor’s camp didn’t bother to respond for requests for documentation as to how the people came to be a part of structural elements of a gaudy Montana mansion. A spokesman laughed, “This is a private matter between citizens of Montana… and Mexico… and various Central and South American countries – and therefore we do not owe the press any sort of explanation or documentation. Minors cannot by law be party to a legal contract, so why would there be an agreement anyway? The only story here is ‘Montana Governor houses thousands of needy Montanans with cutting edge tech’, but the media will try to spin it some ridiculous way.”

Reactions have been mixed. Critics have called the governor’s disclosure “tasteless,” “exploitative,” and “an affront to human decency.” On the other hand, some supporters are praising his innovative approach to cutting costs and avoiding taxes. “It’s just good business sense,” said one local supporter. “Why pay more when you can use the system to your advantage and at the same time help solve our housing crisis. People got all bent of shape because Trump didn’t pay taxes for like 20 years, but the reality is he’s a genius for pulling that off. I think the house thing is awesome, I used to hate immigrants and now all I think when I see a big one is how good of a load bearing Guatemalan he’d be. Totally changed my outlook on brown people for the better.”

As the gubernatorial campaign in Montana heats up, political analysts are scrambling to predict the fallout from this revelation. “This is unprecedented,” said one analyst. “We’ve seen politicians use tax loopholes before, but this is unchartered waters. It’s a bold strategy that plays right into the campaign’s characterization of the incumbent governor as a solutions-driven business innovator. We are still waiting to see what his opponent’s reaction to this is, but my prediction is they’ll just let it be what it is, since his pro-decency, anti-using-people-as-space-heaters agenda has been known for some time.”

As the controversy continues to unfold, one thing is clear: there are more questions than answers. For example, where does the poop go? Are they living in a drug induced alternative reality? What happens in summer? Did they hang the drywall directly on them? Perhaps the biggest question of all is how voting Montanans will react to the news. As of this report, GOP youtube ads are already being run with a simple message of total victory: “Housing Crisis? Solved. Racism? Cured. Business genius? Obviously.”