KALISPELL, MT — A routine tattoo consultation at EXEX Art studio outside Kalispell has exposed what authorities are calling Montana's most underwhelming underground organization: a sex cult so mundane that members reportedly struggle to stay awake during their bi-monthly gatherings.
The discovery came after tattoo artist Brenda Kowalski, 34, noticed an unusual pattern among clients requesting Montana state outline tattoos with roots growing from the bottom. "At first I thought it was just another trendy design, like when everyone wanted infinity symbols with their kid's birthdate," Kowalski said. "But then the third person asked if I could make the roots look more 'spiritually entwined' and mentioned something about 'the rooted collective.' That's when I knew something weird as fuck was going on."
According to documents obtained by 406AF through a public records request that was accidentally approved, the group, officially registered as the Montana Rooted Wellness Collective, has been operating out of various Missoula basements since 2019. Members identify themselves through the specific tattoo design, which founder Derek Thornberg, 42, claims represents "the deep interconnection between Montanans and the sacred act of consensual self-pleasure in a supportive group environment."
"Look, when people hear 'sex cult,' they think orgies and weird masks and shit," Thornberg explained during a phone interview from his day job at a local credit union. "But we're really just about creating a safe space for adults to engage in simultaneous masturbation while maintaining appropriate social distance. We serve herbal tea beforehand, usually chamomile or sometimes a nice rooibos. Last meeting, Carol brought gluten-free cookies. It's very civilized."
Local authorities became aware of the group after multiple noise complaints were filed about "aggressive silence" coming from a rental property on Missoula's north side. Officer Patricia Mendez responded to one such call in February. "I've broken up a lot of parties in my 15 years on the force, but I've never had to ask people to make more noise," Mendez said. "When I arrived, I found twelve adults sitting in a circle on meditation cushions, fully clothed except for strategic openings in their hemp fiber robes. The loudest sound was someone's stomach growling. It was deeply uncomfortable in the most boring way possible."
Current member Sandra Hutchinson, 38, defended the organization's practices while waiting in line at a Missoula coffee shop. "People don't understand that we're revolutionizing intimacy by removing all the exciting parts," she said. "No touching, no eye contact, no talking except for our opening affirmation circle where we share what we're grateful for. Last week, I shared about my new dehumidifier. It's reduced my basement moisture by thirty percent. That's the kind of raw vulnerability we're about. Plus, the tattoo is actually pretty cute. I tell people the roots represent my love of gardening, which isn't technically a lie since we do discuss permaculture during our post-session snack time."
The cult's recruitment methods have also raised eyebrows among local law enforcement. Detective Marcus Schwartz has been monitoring the group's activities since receiving reports of suspicious flyers at various yoga studios and food co-ops. "Their marketing material is aggressively bland," Chen noted. "One flyer just said 'Interested in roots? So are we. Third Tuesdays, bring your own cushion.' We initially thought it was a gardening club until we noticed the small print about 'clothing-optional meditation.' Even then, we weren't sure if it was sexual or just another one of those naked hiking groups that keep popping up around here."
Former member Timothy Walsh, 45, left the group after six months of participation. "I joined because my therapist said I needed to explore new forms of connection after my divorce," Walsh admitted. "But Jesus Christ, it was like attending the world's most awkward work meeting, except everyone's genitals were technically accessible. The worst part was the sharing circle afterwards where we'd discuss our 'journey.' Jennifer once spent twenty minutes describing her orgasm using only geological metaphors. I still can't look at sedimentary rock formations without feeling deeply sad."
The tattoo connection has particularly frustrated local tattoo artists, who report a surge in requests for the specific design. Mickey Schlick, owner of Montana Tattoo Company, expressed his frustration. "I've had to turn away a dozen requests this month alone. Once you know what it means, you can't unknow it. Yesterday, some suburban mom came in wanting the design because she saw it on Pinterest. I had to explain why her thirteen-year-old daughter probably shouldn't get a symbol associated with group masturbation. She thought I was making it up until I showed her their actual website, which, by the way, has a recipe section. Who puts recipes on a sex cult website? These fucking people, apparently."
As news of the cult spreads, Montana officials are struggling with how to respond. "Technically, they're not breaking any laws," admitted City Attorney Rebecca Johnson. "Consensual adult activities in private residences are protected, even if those activities are mind-numbingly boring. We've had more complaints about the smell from their kombucha brewing operation than about the actual sexual components. The health department is looking into that separately."
For now, the Montana Rooted Wellness Collective continues to meet, with Thornberg reporting that publicity has actually increased interest. "We had eighteen people at last Tuesday's session," he said proudly. "Though we had to split into two circles because our usual basement only has fifteen meditation cushions. We're looking into renting the back room at the community center, but they want us to list our organization type on the application. We're going with 'mindfulness group,' which is technically accurate. The mind is definitely full of something during our sessions, even if it's usually just wondering if we remembered to set the DVR for Jeopardy."