BUTTE, MT — In what experts are already calling “statistically improbable,” local electrician Mike Driscoll, 43, confidently informed a woman at bar close Friday night that he personally knows the man who killed Osama Bin Laden, sources confirmed from inside the Mint Bar on Front Street.
Witnesses said Driscoll, visibly sweating through his Sinclair Oil t-shirt, waited until the jukebox switched to Creedence before leaning in and announcing, “I know the guy. The SEAL. We partied at Georgetown Lake back in ‘04. Swear to God.”
The scene, which began with Driscoll buying a Fireball round for “yous guys,” reportedly escalated as he repeated the claim six additional times, each mention arriving closer to the woman’s personal space. By 1:37 a.m., sources say Driscoll was referring to the shooter as “my buddy from way back,” and noting he “was always cagey about secret missions and shit.”
Patrons report this is the seventh consecutive Friday Driscoll has referenced highly classified military knowledge in order to impress women just before closing time. Regular Mint bartender Teresa Morgan confirmed: “Last week it was the real dude who bagged Pablo Escobar. Week before that, he played foosball with Ted Kaczynski’s FBI profiler.”
Attempts to clarify Driscoll’s connection were stymied when he insisted his Bin Laden contact “used to coach Little League until the deep state ran him out of Anaconda.” He further cited a “permanent discount at the Copper King” as evidence of Navy SEAL connections and alluded to “knowing some serious shit about Benghazi if you’re cool.”
“People just don’t get it, man,” Driscoll muttered to no one in particular, before handing the woman a crumpled business card reading ‘Mike D. – Electrician/Freedom Fighter.’
Driscoll then reportedly left for the evening, where he was seen attempting to convince a group of bachelor party attendees he ghostwrites for Tucker Carlson. Upon being ignored, he loudly proclaimed, “tap er light, ya lesbians!”