BILLINGS, MT — Archaeologists excavating a previously unexplored sandstone cave system near the Pryor Mountains have uncovered what they're calling "the most disappointing magical artifact in North American history": an 8,000-year-old leather-bound grimoire containing exclusively methamphetamine production methods and lengthy diatribes about neighboring tribes.
The tome, discovered beneath layers of prehistoric artifacts dating back thousands of years, initially sparked excitement among the University of Montana research team. Carbon dating confirmed the book predates the Anzick Site near Wilsall, previously Montana's oldest archaeological discovery at 11,040 years, though its contents proved far less groundbreaking than its age.
"We expected ancient wisdom, forgotten spells, maybe some eldritch horrors," said lead archaeologist Dr. Patricia Kurtz, flipping through pages of what appear to be detailed instructions for cooking meth using "ingredients as common as drain cleaner, battery acid, antifreeze" — materials that wouldn't exist for millennia. "Instead we got 400 pages of shake-and-bake recipes and complaints about how brown people were going to ruin everything."
The grimoire's margins are filled with paranoid scribblings about "invasive shamans" and lengthy screeds demanding neighboring tribes "go back where they came from," despite archaeological evidence showing all mentioned groups had inhabited the region since Late Pleistocene times. One entire chapter titled "The Dark Arts of Patriotic Sorcery" consists solely of poorly drawn eagles clutching what researchers believe are meant to be primitive assault weapons.
Most disturbing to scholars is a recurring incantation throughout the text that roughly translates to "Make the Great Plains Great Again," scrawled obsessively across dozens of pages in what forensic analysis confirms is human blood mixed with pseudoephedrine residue. The book's final entry, dated to approximately 6,000 BCE, warns of an coming "age of wokeness" that will destroy traditional cave-dwelling values.
Montana State Historic Preservation officials have announced the grimoire will not be displayed publicly, citing concerns it might inspire modern practitioners. "Frankly, we've got enough of this shit already," said preservation director Tom Wilkins, gesturing toward statistics showing meth accounts for 86 percent of drugs trafficked in Montana. "Last thing we need is people thinking their bigotry and drug cooking have ancient mystical backing."